gay

by dylan terreri, i
(nashville, tn)

while exploring the homosexual side of me, someone on manhunt.net who liked my profile said "we all create our own reality" - how dare he say such a thing to me? so i wrote this:

gee, i thought anyone's reality was predetermined. ha. i never chose to be attracted to slot machines, but the hold they have over me is unbreakable. i just thought i'd try them out with an open mind, i'd been prejudging slots for too long by thinking nothing of them. how do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it...but my life would be better if i had never tried slots. if i had no interest in slots then i shouldn't have questioned my lack of interest by going to a casino. by trying something new, my mind was changed. i thought i was born to be disinterested in casinos, but now i have such an attraction to them. casinos give me a psychological boner. i didn't think my life would have been changed as it was, i guess my predisposition for slot machines had been lying dormant - and that it was only a matter of time before the attraction took full-effect. or, maybe there was no predisposition at all - maybe i simply evolved. that's the way life goes. janet jackson said "that's the way love goes," but the only way anyone is not going to evolve into something different is if he is brain-dead.

i do not like my life's evolution, i do not like the reality i have created for myself. casinos have quite an effect on my brain, but i'm sick of "gamblers anonymous" telling me that it's wrong. who are they to judge? i have been this way for as long as i can remember being this way. sure, i remember when i was not affected by the act of pulling a phallic handle and seeing money ejaculate out, but there was also a time when i was not affected by images of shirtless men. as a skinny boy, it took time for me to realize that masculinity will never do without bulk - it took time for me to have formed that opinion, therefore it took time for me to realize my skinny and meek self as a "slight of man," if you will. likewise, it took time for me to realize casinos as places which could keep my mind occupied with a sense of excitement.

i remember seeing the most perfect specimen of manhood working at giant eagle grocery store in cranberry township (pennsylvania). i was ten feet away from him, just staring at him like ii have started at slot machines - mesmerized. i wanted to touch and play with him as i want to touch and play with slot machines. my interest in both of them is just a product of my own evolution - "that's the way life goes" - nobody's brain was inexplicably created with knowledge of (or an attraction to) anything. "how do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it," the same concept applies to anyone who thinks they were born gay - "how did you know you were attracted to men before you knew what men were (or who you were in relation to men)".

if straight men were born straight, if someone's evolution has nothing to do with gender-identity, wouldn't they have come out of the vagina with a hard-on? would they have even come out of the epitome of submission known as the vagina? if knowledge gained from the way one had evolved has nothing to do with the gender that one is attracted to, if sexual attraction is predetermined at birth, then why aren't little male fetuses opposed to being pushed out of a vagina?

the time it takes for a baby to exit the vagina is not related to his sexual preference. though, if sexual preferences have nothing to do with knowledge or evolution, shouldn't they be related?

mr. dylan terreri, i
dr. sheldon cooper, ii
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"When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it." - Madonna

www.jaggedlittledyl.com/essays
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